Saturday, February 5, 2011

Another Sightings Hodgepodge!

From now on, I'm going to try and post my sightings more immediately. One by one. They'll be a little more timely, and hopefully a little more detailed too. But that's for later. Right now, PREPARE FOR MEGADOOM!

Uh... I mean, "Prepare for an unnecessarily long series of photos of weird shit I've seen."

BEGIN.

Those are stock Ford Mustang 17" wheels, circa 1997. On a Dodge Caravan. I've seen this van around a few times now. They actually look pretty good, except for the leaping horse on the centercap.

On a country road. Saw this hitting the back roads on the way home after an SCCA autocross.
Keep it classy, Joliet.

What are those big-ass propellers doing underneath that weird-looking tiny car?

They belong there! It's an Amphicar! They made less than 4000 of these, in the early '60s. And I saw one on my morning commute. Definitely weird. I love the numbers on the side.

Ah, Panamera. You look good from certain angles. Not so much from others.

So, that's a weird-looking spoiler. What's going on? Somebody with lots of money and absolutely zero taste decide to put a ricer wing on a Porsche?

It was an epic downpour that day, so the license plate was hard to make out right away. But you can definitely see it's one spoiler on top of another. I thought this was incredibly stupid, until I realized...

It's a freakin' Tie Fighter! This man is no ricer. He's just an epic nerd. Props.

Handicapped spot. Farm & Fleet. What else can I say?

It's an LTD Crown Vic. Because you're not rich enough to get hauled to your grave in a Cadillac, or even a Lincoln. It's Police Cruiser With A Butt for you. You know what that means.

I'll avoid AC/DC jokes.

As long as we're on the topic of Panther platforms, check out this winner. Black Beauty indeed. That fake-gem-encrusted TV antenna is non-functional. There's no TV in that car. Trust me. The back windows aren't tinted, I could see everywhere inside it. Definitely no TV.

But goddamn does that V8 run hot. Thing's got vents all over the place.

Double the V8s, double your fuel consumption!

Well, of course it has a turbo. Only a total poseur would put a fake hood vent on his Grand Marquis if it didn't have a turbo.

Oh yeah. As though it couldn't get any more perfect. The guy must've robbed every single stick-on accessory from this place. I can't imagine any sane person actually buying all those. That's gotta be a couple hundred bucks worth of adhesive-backed plastic junk.

I really hope that's intentional.

Who are you trying to kid? The R33 wasn't even made by Suzuki, and even if it were, this car isn't even close. Though it is AWD. Maybe it's a reference to the owner's age. Yeah, I'll pretend that, even though it makes no sense.

 See, now THIS is a baby R33. Ask Alberto, he'll tell you.

Oh yeah, look at all those brand names! None of which are actually on the car! Pro tip for all you aspiring car guys: maroon and yellow are not friends.

 Obligatory wing and fart cannon.

I love the contrast of the fake wood dashboard trim and the nasty yellow aftermarket seat, steering wheel, and (for the love of...) seat belt covers! That's dedication. I suppose it carries through to the inside the yellow from the decals outside.

Think I'm going to make fun of the American Racing rims on a Japanese car? It's good for a giggle, sure, but I can't get away with that. I have AR rims on my Mazda. What you should look closely at though is that the owner even added decals to the wheels. LOBO! This man is the wolf! Ugh. He must have a buddy that does stickers. No sane person would pay for all this.

Alright, an interesting import! I couldn't get a decent photo of it, but that there is a Citro├źn Deux Chevaux. France's response to the Beetle. Spotted in Sycamore, and no, not on the weekend where they have that car show. Pretty neat to see, though in a really goddamned gross color combination. What did I say about yellow combined with reddish hues?

Chevrolet HHR owner loves shopping enough to get a vanity plate. Too bad s/he didn't spend more time shopping for a car. What a miserable me-too mobile. If you're gonna buy a sad, slow, retro-imitating penalty box, go all out and just buy the damned PT Cruiser already.

 Better still to skip the retro and go right to vintage. '66 Mini Cooper is mini indeed.
Sunuvabitch has 10-inch wheels. No shit.

Definitely the last thing I expected to see in the morning at work. Buh. Thankfully, he didn't hang around long.

Hipsters in an orange Gremlin. Thank you, Chicago. Did look nice in orange, though I suspect that's a respray.

Think that "X" over the rear fender means something sporty or cool? Nah, not really. Wikipedia says it was just an appearance package.

Speaking of appearance packages, what's the stupidest one of all? You guessed it: the Brabus-edition Smart Fortwo! Major price hike for some big wheels, showy center exhaust, and a lot of stickers. But zero actual performance upgrades. I can only hope the fool who bought this got it on a serious discount, salesman begging him to take it instead of the standard models on his lot.

I saw the Wienermobile again. Very weird to see it twice on the interstate.

Alright, seriously look at this. The truck has some plastic trim that is supposed to go along the edge of the running boards, but it started to come off. Instead of ripping it off -- because, judging by the rust, age, and missing trim on the front door, looks aren't exactly a priority here -- the owner decided to tie up the shitty trim! To the fuel door! Yeah! What the hell is the point?  Just tear the goddamned thing off!

A salad kit that reminds you of high-profile assassination.

A new piece on my desk. It's a gift from a guy I work with. I previously kept my pens and things in a Hormel Chili with BEANS (emphasis original). I think I prefer the chili, actually, but this is cool too.

Beer-shaped meat. I'd rather have a murder salad.

If you can't stomach the thought of beer-meat, flush it out with a Smooth Move.
I really do appreciate blunt marketing, especially for things that are normally tiptoed around. I'm still waiting for that idea to hit tampon ads.

There's something wrong here, but I'm not sure what.

Wasn't I saying something about nerds earlier?

Haha! It says anus!

END.

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